Wondering what to get your favorite coroner for the holidays? I was, and I didn’t find much guidance on the internet except a couple of the big shopping websites (you know who they are so I’m not feeding the beasts by linking…) Missing was a top ten list of holiday gifts for a Coroner! Go figure! So I’m filling a void in the internet here. You’re welcome.
By the way, I’m using “coroner” here to mean anyone who works in a coroner’s or medical examiner’s office or writes about coroners or knows what a coroner is/does. And it’s okay if YOU happen to be your favorite coroner. Self care is important!
Here’s my personal Top Ten, some serious, some not, and in no particular order (except the last one). Please feel free to add what’s on your Wish List in the Comments below.
#10 Smoke and CO alarms
Holiday fires, whether or not they result in a death, are devastating for the victims, the responders, and the community.
Seniors are at much higher risk of dying in a fire. Read this article for tips on prevention. Smoke alarms are essential but not the whole story.
#9 More forensic pathologists
Sorry, this gift is on back order and won’t be here in time for the holidays!
The United States has anywhere from 500-800 forensic pathologists, depending on who’s counting. Either way, the number is far below the estimate 1500-1800 needed. One Congressman introduced a bill in April 2024 to address the shortage, but last time I checked it was still in a Committee.
#8 Home blood pressure monitor
Hypertensive heart disease: I was shocked at how often this diagnosis came up on autopsy reports, whether as the cause of death or a contributing factor.
In fact, I was so freaked out, I got myself a home blood pressure monitor and had plenty of reason to use it while I was coroner. Looks like you can get one for under $50, a health care bargain.
Yes, stress really does increase your blood pressure! And yes, it can really kill you via your heart, your kidneys, or your brain, not necessarily in that order. Please don’t die (See #10).
#7 Skinnier (dead) bodies
Coroners routinely transport bodies weighing more than 250 lbs; heck, 300 isn’t uncommon these days. The heaviest I remember was slightly over 700 lbs. That’s when your coroner will need to ask your friendly local fire company for a “lift assist.”
So if you’re overweight, obese, or morbidly obese (forget BMI, you know what you know), please do yourself, your coroner, and your volunteer fire fighters a favor by dropping some pounds. You’ll live longer, and your coroner will stay off disability, saving your tax dollars. If losing weight is too much to ask, please try to die on a ground floor with a wide exit and save up for the extra cremation cost.
#6 Snacks for those busy days and nights
Okay, if #7 applies, please note the snacks are for the hard-working coroners, not you. My personal favorite gift choice, because you can’t go wrong with snacks. I still keep a bag labeled “Coroner’s Survival Kit” in my car and the essential ingredient is snacks. There really ought to be a brand called “Coroner Snacks.” Use your imagination…
#5 Waterproof boots with insole foot warmers
For those who live in colder climates. Which, given global warming and its effects on the polar vortex, could be anywhere. Remember Texas February 2021? I’m guessing no one gave the coroners there foot warmers for Christmas. Change that this year.
#4 Filtered half-face respirators
Not much of a fashion statement but these may come in handy during those warmer (and warmer) months or when the next pandemic strikes.
I remember when Keystone Quality Transport donated this one and more to the Chester County (PA) Coroner’s Office in 2020. What a revelation! You can’t overrate breathing.
Bonus: They come in your choice of colors! I chose to match my supersize Tyvek suit, but the key element is that these block “organic vapors.” Behind me in this worst-ever selfie are some of the five hundred body bags ordered during the earlier phases of the pandemic.
#3 A good night’s sleep
A night with no calls and no nightmares: is that too much to ask? I know you can’t “give” this to your favorite coroner, but just doing your part to stay out of trouble (you know, drugs, alcohol, guns and knives…) will be much appreciated.
#2 A little respect
A “thank you for your service” or a bit of public praise now and then would go a long way towards boosting the morale of last responders. For example, this paragraph from Rep. Emanuel Cleaver, II (D-MO)’s 2024 press release:
“Medical examiners and coroners are a crucial part of America’s public health system and help identify causes of death, monitor evolving health challenges, and save lives. Staff shortages can delay autopsies and death certification for months, preventing families from gaining closure and hamstringing the medical community’s ability to fight the opioid epidemic and other health crises.“
#1 Don’t die
What every coroner really wishes? That you wouldn’t die, at least not this holiday season.
That will be a happy holiday for all of us.
As for this mug, I don’t understand the connection between dress patterns and death, but I couldn’t resist snapping a photo when I saw it. Maybe this was what the well-dressed mourner wore to a funeral back in the day.
Maybe someone just has a strange sense of humor. Not pointing any fingers here.
Take care and Happy New Year!
Christina
Feature image credit: Frank Riether on Pixabay
Love the “Don’t die;”. That is my goal everyday! Merry Christmas 🎁
Very informative list that more need to see.
Thank you, Nancy. I’ll see what I can do.